he thought i was a dude.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
