apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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