Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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