Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
