Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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