Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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