She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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