Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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