I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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