We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
