thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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