are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
