my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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