Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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