I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
