I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
