I CAN MOONWALK!
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
