I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
