She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i've created a new STD.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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