There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
