Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
