Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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