wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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