4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
