I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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