She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
