Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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