i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize