Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
