I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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