Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
