He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
