he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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