It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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