Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
