when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
