I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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