pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
