wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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