made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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