and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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