hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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