what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
