hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
