If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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