You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
