The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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