Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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