I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hippo gnu deer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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