just tell him i said nine months
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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