I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize