You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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