I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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