my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
