I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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