My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my poor anus
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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