i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
